Kimberly Dalferes | Author

Crazy, Southern, Irish Gal, Author

Ain’t No Place For Sissies

by

This past weekend I attended a good friend’s wedding: his second; her first.  It was a beautiful and fun affair; a great way to start down the marital path. Not surprisingly, this event has had me reflecting a bit on marriages – first, second, and beyond.

Now, I’ve been warned; “Danger Will Robinson, DANGER!” Why would I ever want to wade into the minefield-laced topic of marriage? Well kiddies, sometimes you just gotta get in there and throw out a few ideas. But let’s be clear: I am NOT a reliable expert on what makes a marriage work. I am the anti-thesis of a marriage expert. In the dictionary, next to the phrase “marriage expert,” you will NOT find my picture.

I do, of course, have a few observations regarding marriage. Kimba always has an opinion…

Marriage is hard. If you think you’ll be happy every day; you’re delusional. The great Bette Davis (one of my all-time favorite broads) was famous for saying; “Old age ain’t no place for sissies.” Her quote could easily be modified to read: “Marriage ain’t for sissies either.”

I do think that marriage is different the second time around. Yep, I’m happily on wedded bliss #2; been here going on twelve years. For me, I’m just a different person now. Older, wiser, and I don’t sweat the small stuff nearly as much as I used to. It certainly helps that I continue to be invested in making my husband happy. I’m not sure I was very good at this – recognizing and contributing to another person’s happiness – the first time around.

One thing that I am hopelessly bad at is compromise. And, if marriage is about anything, it’s about compromise. I hate that I often fall into the stereotypical female mindset of “keeping score.” I have to constantly try to wipe that slate clean. I really should try to get rid of the slate all together.

It’s easy to become jaded about the institution of marriage. I don’t know how women summon the courage to ever try matrimony more than once or twice. But, there are gals like the fabulous Elizabeth Taylor who never give up on nuptials. I actually have an odd little connection to Ms. Taylor: in 1976 Liz Taylor married husband #6, Senator John Warner, in a small little church just outside of Leesburg, VA.  Twenty-five years later Greg and I exchanged vows in that same small, quaint country haven.

So, do I have any sound advice? Any little gems to pass along regarding the secrets of a happy marriage? Sorry, but no; I’ve got nada – no great personal insights to offer whatsoever. 

I do, however, recommend the sage wisdom of Jill Conner Browne, whose book “The Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love” should be required reading for all newlyweds. Ms. Browne shares that for every woman, there are five men that she must have in her life at all times:

  1. One you can talk to
  2. One who can fix things
  3. One you can dance with
  4. One who can pay for things
  5. One to have sex with

Newsflash: numbers 1 through 5 above are not likely to all be the same guy – and that’s perfectly OK. Your spouse should probably be #5. Also, I’m not personally vested in #4 – I like to pay for my own stuff. But numbers 1 through 3 are absolutely up for grabs. It’s just not realistic to think that one person can cover all your needs all the time. Is it?

Do YOU have any secrets to a good marriage that you would like to share? Are you on marriage #2 (or beyond) and, if so, how is it different from the first time around? Please leave your advice in the comments section – we could all use a little relationship guidance and support – don’t you think?

Cheers,

Kimba

Comments

  1. fabulous post Kimba – I haven't yet made it up the aisle yet, but been together 14 years and seem to be weathering it well! We will get there (2nd time for him) and I loved your connection to Liz Taylor – quite fancy that little church myself 🙂
    I have to say that the 5 points from Jill Conner Browne definitely hit the nail on the head for me – I can see for myself and many of my friends that we all expect our man to be all singing and dancing and capable of every skill on earth – Dohhh – how could that ever be? (that's a woman!)
    and I see many more marriages being happier if women realised these 5 points, should cut back on the nagging – I need one who can do DIY!!
    Does Ms Browne mention the 5 women a man should have in his life at all times?? I'm curious….
    loved this 🙂
    Jacs

    • Oh, we should DEFINITELY craft that list of five women that every man needs – LOVE that idea, maybe use it for a follow up blog! 

  2. Yes, Give up the soap opera version of what marriage is. Or any marriage for that matter that is pictured on the big screen, TV or novels.  Each marriage isdifferent. Let go of comparisons too.  Marriage is really great at helping you to grow as a person. You have a mirror for you in your mate that shows you all the things you don't like about yourself.  Being grateful helps alot too!
     


    Julieanne Case
    Always from the heart!


    Reconnecting you to your Original Blueprint, Your Essence, Your Joy| Healing you from the Inside Out |Reconnective Healing | The Reconnection| Reconnective Art |


    http://thereconnectivehighway.com

    • Julieanne, I definitely like that mirror image analogy.  I find that on good days my spouse brings out the best in me.  However, if I'm being realistic, some days I just need chocolate.

  3. I absolutely love your blog and find a lot of your post’s to be precisely what I’m looking for. Would you offer guest writers to write content for yourself? I wouldn’t mind composing a post or elaborating on a lot of the subjects you write regarding here. Again, awesome blog!

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  5. Wow Kim…For a girl deep into a twenty-seven year marriage who always thought she knew it all and now faced with empty-nest and illness…you soooo hit it on the head. Thanks for brightening my day and adding a different perspective.

    • Mary, twenty-seven years, WOW – now that is an accomplishment.  Sorry to hear about your illness, sending you lots of energy today.  Went through the empty nest thing myself three years ago.  Take a look at my blog "It's Going To Be OK."  And please also take good care.

  6. Interesting list, but personally , I believe that #1 and #5 should be your husband.  Usually if you have someone you can talk to there is an emotional bond with them and the only emotional bound you should have with a man, (besides family) is your husband.
     
    Jean
    Gratitude Coach
    https://www.socgratitude.com/32934

    • Hi Jean.  I agree, communication is key – especially with a spouse.  However, I find that I sometimes need someone, usually a gal pal, to gab with.  For example, my husband could care less what shoes I wear with an outfit – a good recommendation from another source is almost always warranted.

  7. If my marriage isn't growing, I'm not content.  I need my guy to be on the path of evolution and creating new things together.  We love each other so much and Love is what makes the not so good….Good!  Love is everything. 

  8. Great post! I have been married for almost 14 years to a wonderful man! I got married later in life, but it was worth the wait.
    Along the way, I learned valuable lessons from various sources, including the Bible, Dr. Ellen Kreidman's Light His Fire, and John Gray's book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," to name a few.
    One of the many things I've learned is to be more grateful for my husband than critical. A critical spirit can really sour your marriage. There was one point when we were dating when everytime I thought of something critical, I would write it down instead of saying anything to him. I slowly began to think of things I was thankful for about him.
    Also, John Gray's advice on writing a love letter is very powerful. It's hard for me to work through emotions, so his idea to journal about feelings has been key. Things like, "I am angry because, I am sad because, I am disappointed because, I regret, I love…" You don't share this with your husband, unless you want to. This just helps you in the process of forgiveness. Because that's a skill that's daily needed!

    • Really like that idea of writing things down before you say them. I'm betting if I read some of my thoughts out loud I would note:  wow, that is not going to get the reaction that I want!  Thanks for sharing Dana.

  10. Hi Kim. I agree, it's unrealistic to have one person meet all the criteria. And whilst number 5 is important, I consider number 1 (someone you can talk to) the most essential in a life partner. OK, so number 1 and number 5!!!
    And whilst it's lovely to have someone meet our needs, it's so good for our relationships when we meet our own – so that when those around us help us – it's a bonus. OK, so again, number 5 is better with someone else! 😉
    EL

  11. Hi Kim,
    Thank you for the very practical reflection and advice! I particularly liked where you pointed out that you can't look for all the necessities in one person–it really puts things into perspective.
     
    ~Christina

  12. Hi Kim,
    I am by far any one to give advice on marriage; my first failed horribly and my 2nd ended too early due to death. We were together close to 5 years and I can say that the 3rd for him and 2nd for me was great because as you said, "we didn't sweat the small stuff." 

    We found our silly way to avoid arguments. We had a shirt that said "cranky" on the back. Whoever put the shirt on first thing in the morning, we knew to stay away from until the shirt came off.  It kind of got to be a funny thing around our neighborhood. 

    A couple of times we had a problem when we both grabbed for the shirt at the same time; depended on who was more in a bad mood that day. 

    Life is way too short to argue over things that are not important.  
    Have a great day, Monna

  13. Marriage is like a three-legged stool where time shortens each leg at different rates making the seat of love wobble.  The work of the marriage is to bolster the legs so that the stool stands sturdy.  Those legs are called trust, respect, and communication.