Welcome

Author photo #2 in color

Welcome to the Internet home of Kim Dalferes.

I hope you enjoy your time here and that you come back often. Wondering what makes me tick? This favorite quote from one of the grand dames of writing, Erma Bombeck, might help: Hook 'em with the lead. Hold 'em with laughter. Exit with a quip they won't forget. This seems to be a good overall life goal, don’t you think?

Kim Dalferes’ Latest Book

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I Was In Love with a Short Man Once

Have you ever wondered if the life of the woman standing next to you in the check-out line is as weird as yours? Could it be possible that you are trapped in a bizarre reality show, where the object of the game is to get the crazy lady to flip-out; just one more time? If so, then this book confirms that you are in good company.

Coming Soon!

Kimba Dalferes Magic Fishing Panties

Excerpt from Magic Fishing Panties

We gals possess one distinctive disadvantage while out on the fishing boats. It’s the head. For the guys, their need to relieve themselves is accomplished by a quick pit stop over the bow of the boat. For the gals, well, our equipment doesn’t work that way. A woman’s use of the bathroom on a fishing boat is a time consuming process. I use the term “bathroom” here with a bit of poetic license. Often, the facilities are nothing more than a bucket. You can take as many counter-measures as possible: limit the coffee consumption and definitely go at the lodge before you get on the boat. But, eventually, you gotta go.

 

How to Pee on the Sea

Step 1: The captain clears out the cabin for a little semblance of privacy.

Step 2: Layers of clothing must be peeled away: gloves, hat, scarf, rain slicker are removed.

Step 3: The bibs must be unhooked, but, and this is important, you mustn’t remove them fully because that would entail also removing your boots.

Step 4: Shuffle over to the cubby area under the bow–you’re lucky if there is a cubby area.

Step 5: Back in, derriere first, drop the bib tops you’ve been holding up, unzip and drop your pants, followed by your underwear, and attempt to squat/land upon the toilet/bucket.

Step 6: Pull across the battered blue plastic sheet that is supposed to provide some modicum of cover.

Step 7: Pray the toilet paper is somewhere within reach.

Step 8: Anchor your hands and feet against the sides of the cubby to steady yourself as the boat sways and rocks.

Step 9: Proceed with, well you know.

Step 10: Attempt to rise, remaining in a somewhat stooped position in order to avoid bumping your head.

I did not forget about the use of the toilet paper, I’m trying to keep this classy.

Step 11: While remaining hunched over, attempt to pull up your underwear and your pants in the cubby. Damn near impossible.

Step 12: Pull back the blue plastic sheet and while once again attempting to hold up your pants and bibs, turnaround, bend over, and pull the lever which evacuates the contents of bowl.

Step 13: Turn back around, continue to hold up your bibs, and shuffle back out into the main cabin.

Step 14: Refasten your pants and your bibs, put back on all your clothing–rain gear, hat, gloves, and scarf–and head back out to fishing.

What could possibly go wrong?

The Author Show

Recent Blog Posts

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