I’m not a big fan of unsolicited advice. My propensity to spout off has often gotten me into trouble and pissed off my friends and family who get sick of my know-it-all tendencies. I work diligently to quiet the girl in my head who has a running dialogue in every conversation about how she can fix a particular problem or opine about any current political issue. If I could only adhere to some of the best advice my mama ever gave me: Opinions are like belly buttons. Everybody has one; doesn’t mean you have to share it with the world every day.
Luckily, I’ve found an outlet: the Internet.
I’ve taken to putting out there, on a regular basis, what have come to be termed as “Kimba’s Tip of the Day.” One of my gal pals coined this phrase, and it stuck. Sometimes it’s a post on Facebook, sometimes it’s just a little random tweet. It’s a win-win: I can put my opinions out there for all the world to see; and the minions can just ignore me without hurting my feelings one little bit.
Just in case you’ve had trouble keeping up, presented below are some of my favorites. A few need a bit of explanation; others I’ll just leave to your imagination.
1. Snakes are never a laughing matter:
Kimba: I need you to come with me right now.
Starbucks: Why, Ma’am, what’s wrong?
Kimba: Um, there’s a snake in the ladies room.
2. Don’t jump the gun:
Just received an e-mail for “local singles over 50 looking for love.” First of all, I ain’t single. Second – I ain’t 50 for another 14 days! Jump the gun much?!
3. Sometimes it’s just better to smile and walk away:
That moment when the male employee is walking out of the ladies room and hurriedly explains to you that he was “just cleaning.”
4. Your hair is a most unpredictable animal:
Having a good hair day – completely wasted on the only significant item on today’s to-do list being the annual mammogram.
5. You will make a bigger sale if you don’t go straight to “I know the perfect anti-aging cream for you”:
I get the whole “read your customer” thing, but couldn’t she have also thrown a little mascara a gal’s way?
6. A girl should NEVER attend a reception with hairy knees.
7. If you’re going to be smug, be naked smug:
Greg is having to endure my Democrat happy dance today. To be fair, I did do it naked.
8. Middle-schoolers suck:
While walking Taz this morning, he decided to “do his business” right next to the school bus that was loading. The kids applauded and started chanting “PICK UP THE POOP! PICK UP THE POOP.” Really… at 7 AM?
9. Don’t mess with middle-aged women and their work-outs:
Dear twenty-somethings who have invaded the weight-training class: it is not acceptable to work out in a sports bra and no shirt. The middle-agers are plotting counter measures. This will be your only warning.
10. Need writing inspiration? Head to Costco:
Mom, can we get the Spiderman undies? [Yes, I let the hubby buy the 12 pack...]
11. Leaving a dirty dish in the sink will make most women go bat-crap crazy.
12. Hey! Only two rules to live by: there’s no crying in baseball & no calling dibs on Mr. Clooney!
13. If your shoes stick to the bar floor, you may want to re-think using the bar bathroom.
14. Few joys compare to finding the lost bottle of Afrin when you have a head cold.
15. Never under-estimate the appeal of a man who can handle a shovel:
Getting up at 5:30 am to shovel driveway & take me to the metro = best husband of the day award.
16. There is something about seeing a woman driving with curlers in her hair that just makes me grin.
17. Fact: I will watch any of the ‘Rush Hour’ movies just to see the outtakes at the end.
18. Sixteen rows of condoms, but it takes a team of sales associates to locate a box of Band-Aids. Welcome to shopping in a college town.
19. There are places in Southern Virginia where you can buy oysters, get your taxes done, and have your propane tank filled – all at the same time.
A sincere thank you to Al Gore (he did invent the Internet, right?), Jack Dorsey, and Mark Zuckerberg. Your innovations have saved many of my relationships by providing an outlet for my musing, opinions, and occasional rants. This crazy southern Irish gal is eternally in your debt.
How about you? Do you ever offer unsolicited advice? Anything you would like to share here, maybe add a #20 above?