I’m not a big fan of unsolicited advice. My propensity to spout off has often gotten me into trouble and pissed off my friends and family who get sick of my know-it-all tendencies. I work diligently to quiet the girl in my head who has a running dialogue in every conversation about how she can fix a particular problem or opine about any current political issue. If I could only adhere to some of the best advice my mama ever gave me: Opinions are like belly buttons. Everybody has one; doesn’t mean you have to share it with the world every day.
Luckily, I’ve found an outlet: the Internet.
I’ve taken to putting out there, on a regular basis, what have come to be termed as “Kimba’s Tip of the Day.” One of my gal pals coined this phrase, and it stuck. Sometimes it’s a post on Facebook, sometimes it’s just a little random tweet. It’s a win-win: I can put my opinions out there for all the world to see; and the minions can just ignore me without hurting my feelings one little bit.
Just in case you’ve had trouble keeping up, presented below are some of my favorites. A few need a bit of explanation; others I’ll just leave to your imagination.
1. Snakes are never a laughing matter:
Kimba: I need you to come with me right now.
Starbucks: Why, Ma’am, what’s wrong?
Kimba: Um, there’s a snake in the ladies room.
2. Don’t jump the gun:
Just received an e-mail for “local singles over 50 looking for love.” First of all, I ain’t single. Second – I ain’t 50 for another 14 days! Jump the gun much?!
3. Sometimes it’s just better to smile and walk away:
That moment when the male employee is walking out of the ladies room and hurriedly explains to you that he was “just cleaning.”
4. Your hair is a most unpredictable animal:
Having a good hair day – completely wasted on the only significant item on today’s to-do list being the annual mammogram.
5. You will make a bigger sale if you don’t go straight to “I know the perfect anti-aging cream for you”:
I get the whole “read your customer” thing, but couldn’t she have also thrown a little mascara a gal’s way?
6. A girl should NEVER attend a reception with hairy knees.
7. If you’re going to be smug, be naked smug:
Greg is having to endure my Democrat happy dance today. To be fair, I did do it naked.
8. Middle-schoolers suck:
While walking Taz this morning, he decided to “do his business” right next to the school bus that was loading. The kids applauded and started chanting “PICK UP THE POOP! PICK UP THE POOP.” Really… at 7 AM?
9. Don’t mess with middle-aged women and their work-outs:
Dear twenty-somethings who have invaded the weight-training class: it is not acceptable to work out in a sports bra and no shirt. The middle-agers are plotting counter measures. This will be your only warning.
10. Need writing inspiration? Head to Costco:
Mom, can we get the Spiderman undies? [Yes, I let the hubby buy the 12 pack...]
11. Leaving a dirty dish in the sink will make most women go bat-crap crazy.
12. Hey! Only two rules to live by: there’s no crying in baseball & no calling dibs on Mr. Clooney!
13. If your shoes stick to the bar floor, you may want to re-think using the bar bathroom.
14. Few joys compare to finding the lost bottle of Afrin when you have a head cold.
15. Never under-estimate the appeal of a man who can handle a shovel:
Getting up at 5:30 am to shovel driveway & take me to the metro = best husband of the day award.
16. There is something about seeing a woman driving with curlers in her hair that just makes me grin.
17. Fact: I will watch any of the ‘Rush Hour’ movies just to see the outtakes at the end.
18. Sixteen rows of condoms, but it takes a team of sales associates to locate a box of Band-Aids. Welcome to shopping in a college town.
19. There are places in Southern Virginia where you can buy oysters, get your taxes done, and have your propane tank filled – all at the same time.
A sincere thank you to Al Gore (he did invent the Internet, right?), Jack Dorsey, and Mark Zuckerberg. Your innovations have saved many of my relationships by providing an outlet for my musing, opinions, and occasional rants. This crazy southern Irish gal is eternally in your debt.
How about you? Do you ever offer unsolicited advice? Anything you would like to share here, maybe add a #20 above?
Diane saysSeptember 27, 2013 at 7:25 am
For me the best advice is the one you never forget. I still remember years ago being on a train journey home after a great night out with a group of girlfriends. One of them was more than tipsy and half asleep. She suddenly opened her eyes and said… 'you can never have enough pencils' that was it. The rest of us tried to figure out if there was some kind of deep hidden meaning behind it all and the next day she swore blind that she said no such thing so I guess we will never know!
Kim Dalferes saysSeptember 27, 2013 at 9:58 am
"You can never have enough pencils" – THAT would make a great title for a book! If your gal pal ever decides to write a memoir pls remind her to use that as her title.
Diane saysSeptember 27, 2013 at 10:41 am
hahaha… I will definitely pass that on!
Jen Duchene saysSeptember 26, 2013 at 9:54 pm
Had a big grin on my face the whole time. It is true, whatever your advice or opinion is, it is very liberating to be able to share it with the world without worrying about anyone's bellybutton. You are a hoot, we should hang out some time.
Kim Dalferes saysSeptember 27, 2013 at 9:52 am
Would love to hang out with you Jen – just name your poison and a locale.
Mimi saysSeptember 26, 2013 at 2:08 pm
"pick up the poop…pick up the poop" LOL LOL LOL! I was laughing so hard! This was the start of my FABULOUS blog reading and I so enjoyed it! I love your take on life! Thank you for the first morning laugh!! <3 mimi
Kim Dalferes saysSeptember 27, 2013 at 9:46 am
Mimi, you're my kind of twisted humor! Glad I could start your morning off with a laugh.
Judy Stone-Goldman saysSeptember 25, 2013 at 11:32 am
What a fun way to start the day. I just love the belly button quote. I come from a family where people think opinion is fact and that everyone should know the facts. If they could have infused this kind of humor into the opinion, it might have been less troublesome.
Kimba saysSeptember 26, 2013 at 10:38 am
My family too! We blurt out random factoids with no compulsion to fact-check whatsoever….
Carol Lamoreaux saysSeptember 25, 2013 at 10:07 am
This post is great! I think we all hand out advice at times that we should have kept to ourselves! I loved you list — make me chuckle. Thanks! 🙂
Beverly Monical saysSeptember 25, 2013 at 9:39 am
You made me laugh this morning. So many are right on the money too. I have had unsolicted advice before and I just smile. Thanks for sharing.
marquita herald saysSeptember 24, 2013 at 6:39 pm
Truly inspiring Kimba! I will confess there have been times I've considered making up a fake identity just to be able to spout off online how I TRULY feel on certain subjects. So far I've been able to successfully stifle my urges by documenting my own advice to the world at large in my journal.
Kimba saysSeptember 24, 2013 at 9:19 pm
An alias: sure wish I had thought of that first! 😉
Beverly Diehl saysSeptember 23, 2013 at 4:59 pm
When I was having my hair done recently, another client left the premises to go to a cafe to get coffee and ?muffin? with the actual FOILS in her hair from her weave. Hey, she had time, right?
But, FYI, it's already too late re: George Clooney. I called dibs on him a LONG time ago.
Kimba saysSeptember 24, 2013 at 9:18 pm
Beverly, I sure hope that was a most excellent cup of coffee. As for George, game on girlfriend! 😉
Shannon Bradley-Colleary saysSeptember 23, 2013 at 2:12 pm
Yes. After 40 it's time to trim your nose hair.
Kimba saysSeptember 24, 2013 at 9:17 pm
Yes Shannon, yes it is.
Lisha @ The Lucky Mom saysSeptember 23, 2013 at 11:43 am
I am so going to follow that naked-smug advice. He wont' know what to do. 🙂
Kimba saysSeptember 24, 2013 at 9:07 pm
LOL Lisa, let me know how that turns out for you.
gardengoatquote saysSeptember 22, 2013 at 11:26 pm
Love this! I have had much unsolicted advice over the years…and I have dished out a few answers. Thought you might enjoy!
The Garden Goat
Kim Dalferes saysSeptember 23, 2013 at 8:20 am
Hahaha – Just read your post "Yes, they are ALL mine." Love the Garden Goat! Just subscribed. Thx for sharing the link.
Susan Wright-Boucher saysSeptember 22, 2013 at 1:08 pm
I'm still chuckling! You have a gift. Don't let your friends stop you from coming out with these gems.
Kimba saysSeptember 23, 2013 at 7:57 am
Thx Susan. Not sure all my friends and family would call it a "gift." But, I do try to keep 'em smiling.
Suzie Cheel saysSeptember 21, 2013 at 5:57 pm
I love this post and Yesterday I gave some unsolicited advice, although I did ask first and was promptly told thas " I don't need any help!"
I had a great laugh thank you and this post made me remeber to ask first and I have a friend who alaways asks first when she is about to give me some what is usually spot on advice 🙂
Kimba saysSeptember 23, 2013 at 7:55 am
Hi Suzie. Like you, when talking with friends and family I've learned to ask/try to remember to ask: would you like my opinion? Amazing how often folks say no!
Vicki saysSeptember 20, 2013 at 4:37 pm
So happy you've found an outlet to unleash all that knowledge on the world. Truly, you may be opinionated but I think you have mellowed & developed serious tact. Could part of it be from raising a child who is a carbon copy? My mother advised me one time…"if you don't have something nice to say…it may be better to keep your mouth shut".lol
Kimba saysSeptember 21, 2013 at 5:35 pm
Well, I do think my son also inherited some traits from his G-ma; just sayin….
Nathalie Villeneuve saysSeptember 20, 2013 at 11:27 am
I don't like to receive unsolicited advice but I do listen and often there's a lot of good stuff in there…LOL…Loved your Tip of the day! I'd like to hear the #2 story as well…#16…Just say one last week…had to grin too 😉 especially at 7:00 am, I wondered how many more errands she was going to run with her curlers 😉 Great post, you are so funny!
Kimba saysSeptember 21, 2013 at 5:29 pm
You can see some crazy things at 7 am – curlers, big hats, crawl of shame….
Louise Edington saysSeptember 20, 2013 at 10:54 am
Hilarious – I love reading your posts. I must figure out how to subscribe to your blog! I couldn't see it last week. I hate receiving unsolicited advice so that probably means I give it out too much right? While I'm here, if you want some advice – make it easier to subscibe to your blog. I'm ducking for cover now 😉
Kimba saysSeptember 21, 2013 at 4:47 pm
I swear Louise, we are working on setting up an easier way to flow my blog – promise! Right now you have to subsribe to the RSS feed and I know this is not ideal. Stay tuned!
Angela Gower-Johnson saysSeptember 20, 2013 at 10:02 am
I am still laughing! I love your post! I adore you! Thank you!!!
Kimba saysSeptember 21, 2013 at 4:37 pm
Loved your post too Angela – hey ya'll, check out Angela's tips for change at http://www.badassbutton.com/42ec599525a94c958e8987e227c784ec
Kate Lindsay saysSeptember 20, 2013 at 9:57 am
I am toatlly one who has a hard time keeping my mouth shut! If ou are a stranger you might hear from men beacuse let's face it out "relationship" boils downto this omoment only and…. whatever.You perhaps need someone to care enough to share advice (I can rationalize almost anything) But if you are close to me…… I at times struggle. I have to have a chat w myself about wether or not this is actually any thing important. If its clearly not…. I can button up as long as the conversation topic changes pronto. 🙂
Kimba saysSeptember 21, 2013 at 4:39 pm
Kate, I hope you don't "button up" too often; LOVE your opinions and advice!
marianne saysSeptember 20, 2013 at 9:47 am
LOL at #2 and #5, on and #1 of course. Would LOVE to hear that story sometime…..
I sometimes am one to give unsolicited parenting advice, GAH! yes i'm one of those! I really try hard to keep my mouth shut though because I have to remember we all have different ways of coping with toddlers!
Great advice though to use the internet for this, I love that idea. I am going to start using my FB page and blog as a platform for this once in a while. 🙂
Kimba saysSeptember 21, 2013 at 3:13 pm
Look forward to your new advice column Marianne. Maybe we could come up with a clever name for a toddler advice blog.
Terry saysSeptember 20, 2013 at 9:29 am
I love the belly button quote.. Actually your post had so many quotable things .. it was a fun read. I think the only thing you missed was not to wear dirty underwear ( or perhaps spiderman underwear ) as you never know when you will be in an car accident !
Kimba saysSeptember 21, 2013 at 3:10 pm
Oh, that clean underwear thing is good advice for everyone!