(This post was originally published August 2012. I’m re-posting today with a few updates, a nod, and a smile for all those parents who are gently pushing their off-spring out of the nest.)
This is not what I had planned to write about today. Today I was going to write about Virgos, those born under the sixth astrological sign. Being that August is our birth month, I was going to pen a little shout out to all my Virgo earth sign peeps and wish them a wonderful day. I was going to give all the Virgos permission to take a day long break from all the planning, the list making, the fact checking and the other various quirks that make Virgos the fabulous organizers of the world.
What changed my mind? I looked out the window.
This morning when I rolled out of bed, and pulled back the curtains, and peered down and across my driveway, I spotted neighbor John busily loading the car for his daughter’s maiden voyage off to college. I had completely forgotten that today was the day that she would be leaving the nest. My heart skipped just a bit as I sent out a mental cheer to my neighbor:
“It’s going to be OK.”
It is indeed that time of year when all over the country thousands of parents are packing up their offspring and beginning the transition from parent of a high school graduate to parent of a college freshman. I will not lie to you: this may be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. The act of physically separating yourself from your child, the soul that you have been working to protect and support and love for the past eighteen years, seems to be the most unnatural and cruelest of all of life’s challenges. You know, intellectually at least, that this is the best possible thing for your offspring. However, if you’re being healthy about it, you should also be acknowledging that this is emotionally difficult.
I am no expert. I am not a psychologist, there is no Ph D. behind my name; I in no way profess to be anything other than a parent who has lived through what you are experiencing. But, I can tell you this: It’s going to be OK. Here are just a few additional things I wish someone had told me before my son Jimmy went off to college four years ago:
- Practice this mantra: they are away, they are not gone. They are away, the same way they were away at camp or visiting relatives last summer. You will see them at Thanksgiving or parents weekend.
- Do stay in touch, but don’t “hover.” Texting is your best friend. A random daily text lets you know they are OK, they are alive and up and out of the dorm. We are very lucky to be parents in the technology age.
- Everything, in all probability, is not going to be perfect. The roommate may not be the best fit. Your straight-A high school student may struggle a bit academically. That tennis team they thought they were a shoe-in to be selected for: it might not happen. If you also went to college, try to think back to that first year – it is unpredictable and a little overwhelming. As much as you are going to hate it, you’ve got to let your kid figure it out. I’m not saying abandon them – just the opposite. When they need your help, be there for them 100% – but it’s a fine line you are going to be walking the first year.
- Your child will probably get homesick – this is NORMAL. The key is to discern homesickness from depression – I acknowledge, it can be a difficult call.
- It’s OK for you to be sad, it’s normal for you to be sad, but please don’t let that spill over to where your child feels guilty or worries unnecessarily about you. I’m not sure I was always the best at this. My son told me just this week that there were times when he worried about how I was doing.
- For additional advice regarding surviving and thriving in your new empty nest you can check out: http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/emptynest/a/tipsempty.htm I also like 7 Tips for Parents to Manage Empty Nest Syndrome by Huffington Post blogger John Tsilimparis.
If all goes well, and it most likely will, your child is going to have a blast. My son, in my opinion, had an amazing time at college: he graduated this past May and starts his Ph.D. program this month. He found his way, made great friends, and evolved into the man I always dreamed he would become. I love and cherish the time that I now get to spend with him, but he’s begun to have his own life and priorities – and it’s great! I don’t even cry anymore when he leaves after a visit – this did not happen overnight; but you will get there, I promise.
One last time, just for good measure – deep breath – it’s going to be OK.
Do you have advice for the parents who are sending their children off to college?
Cheers,
Kimba
PS – and of course HAPPY BIRTHDAY to all the Virgos out there. We should plan to meet up soon…
Taking my son halfway across the continent and dropping him off at school was the hardest thing I've ever done. It felt like someone had cut me open and torn my heart out…but then my heart, amazingly, changed into a little bird frantically flapping his wings and struggling to make it up onto a nearby branch. In the past weeks he's been hopping from branch to branch and braving brief flights. I know he's happy and I know he's excited, and I know I'm proud as well as sad. I know, above all, that allowing him this opportunity to soar is the very best I can do for him.
Me too! I still remember the glass dorm hall door closing behind him and me, standing next to the car, not being able to breathe… it will get better/easier, I promise. It’s very normal for you to miss him.
This was a great post. Daniel is a Jr. this year so college is right around the corner…God help me! 🙂
Sara, you are a GREAT Mom and Daniel will do wonderfully. Call me next summer and we’ll make a plan for you! 😉
Great advice and I love Virgos (my offspring is one) It definitely is a challenge to let go, and there is a lot of fear around your child making decisions without you hovering in the background. What worked for me, and my clients is to truly trust that they will be fine and emotionally let go of the need to keep them safe in your mind. Trust and believe (it takes awhile) that they can handle anything that comes up or they will call.
A Virgo child – pls be patient with their making lists; believe me they will rule the world with those lists! Trust, yes, that's it in a nutshell. Trust your kids and trust in the universe that everything will work out as it should. Thx for stopping by.
None of my 5 children went to college (I HAD 5 kids!). But one of my sons backpacked alone through Europe and SE Asia for 6 months and I remember these feelings when I took him to the airport. It doesn't matter where they go, the feelings are the same and these are great reminders! Thanks for posting!
First of all, five kids – kudos to you and God Bless You! You're so right, they all eventually go away – as parents we have to support them, no matter how tough it is.
They are away, They are not gone. Best advice ever! I used that with my own parents from time to time in those years of my life. Now they are retired and are away a lot…. Things to look forward to.
LOVE that it's flipped on its ear and that its now your parents that are away! Hope they are enjoying retirement and you are enjoying your time with them as an adult – I KNOW you are a wonderufl daughter!
THis was a fun and very informative post! My oldest daughter did not go away to college, she went to beauty school while living at home. She did, however, move into her own apartment shortly after getting a job at a salon. I feel the same missing and sadness as you described…but it has been well over a year now, and we talk and text and hang out regularly. All is well! 🙂
Glad to hear that the out-of-the-nest transition worked out for you and that you have a great relationship with your daughter. Being a Mom is the best, ain't it?!
Oh my! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
My daughter is only a junior in high school, but even with that, she is changing and evolving and becoming her own woman so much and it seems to have happened all over this summer. She does her big transitions over the summer… maybe because her birthday is in September. All I know is it is a cycle I can count on. And watching this most recent transition has taken my breath away as her beauty and confidence emerges, reminding me that she's just "days" away from flying the nest.
When she entered high school, she was already planning for college and has taken classes that will go toward her college and, every time one of those AP or Concurrent classes show up on her schedule, I feel tears well up.
Thank you for this post and the reminder that everything IS going to be okay and… actually… I remind myself: everything is exactly perfect. And… by the way, Kimberly, I LOVE the comic strip embedded within this post. It is positively perfect.
Angie, I SO remember those transition summers! Very vivid memory of the summer between 14 and 15 when my son's voice got deeper, his stature got taller, and he started to have to shave!
This is great advice for anyone who needs to let go of anything or anyone! Love it!
Thx Suzanne – letting go is always tough. But we women are a tough bunch!
Great post Kim and such wise advice- Love the mantra- great suggestion for many events i think
Thx Suzie – I think you're right, lots of situations I can think of where the best thing to do is breathe … and carrry on!
Is it wrong that I have three more years until this happens and I am crying already as I read this lol? I am crying but it's with the mixed emotions that I know I will go through then. Already my almost 16 year old is separating and growing into an amazing young lady and it's a joy to watch. We are sending her on a plane alone for the first time in a couple of months and that is enough for now! I love the cartoon btw. Lovely post Kimberley xx
Louise, it is very normal for your 16-yr-old to start to separate a bit from you. But expect it to be a bit of a back and forth: just when you think the little girl is all grown up and gone she will need you in some unexpected way. Hang on and enjoy the ride! 😉
What a lovely post, I'm sure a big help to all the parents in that position right now. I am not a parent but I do remember it being pretty scary going off the college (university in UK) and was glad to be back and visit when I came for the holidays. I'd like to say thank-you to my parents who helped me alot and gave me loads of support -aw!
Aww. Hey, send a link to this blog to your Mum and Dad with a big thank you – I bet they will appreciate it!
Great post. I'm sure there are a lot of parents out there living a very emotional time. I'm sharing your post with my Facebook network.
Thanks so much for sharing Susan – very much appreciated.
It's been a while since I went through this but I agree, it is a hard time; letting go of those precious babies.
As you said, It''s going to be okay but it sure doesn't feel like it at the time.
Monna, it is hard, right? But also really rewarding when you see your child succeed. They never stop being your babies, but it is nice when they start doing their own alundry! 🙂
A lot of my friends are sending their kids to college and I can feel the excitment (for the most part). My son is starting college but he will be commuting to a near by community college so it's different for us but still an exciting transition 😉
"Transition" – that is a perfect word for the process. I know you are a great Mom chica and are always loving and supportive.
Bless you. Here’s hoping the trip to Olympia is a bit less sad this year. I cried all the way out and all the way back. I remember Jackson telling me it would be OK! This year…no crying until I’m on the way back home !!! Remember Jackson as a baby at Hooters with randy and jay? My we’ve come along way!!! Miss you friend!
Lori, I bet that trip is going to be a little easier this year. The fear of the unknown is gone, right? Hard for me to believe that little Jackson, that beautiful little bundle of smiling joy, is a college sophmore! Call me if you need anything! Miss you too.
SO needed to read this, Kim!!!!! We are sending Austin off next Sat and I honestly just don't know HOW to think about all of it …….. Feels like a hot mess of emotions building inside. Thank you, dear wise sage friend:)
Laura, I so feel for you, I really do. Call me if you need anything. Austin is going to do great, I promise!!
Hi Kimba,
I don't have kids, but this is really great advice! I remember how hard the transition was when I was leaving for college, and have a much better understanding now of what that experience was like for my parents. In any case, this is always a very exciting time of year and transition!
~Christina
Hi Christina. Hoping that some parents share this post with their college-bound kids; just so they might understand – just a little bit – why their parents are acting so oddly.