The month of July brings many happy occasions: Independence Day (aka July 4th, Kimba waves her flag joyously), National Ice Cream Month (cuz ya gotta have a whole month for this!), Pecan Pie Day (July 12th), National Nude Day (July 14th) and a personal favorite, Tell An Old Joke Day (July 27th). Offering blue skies and warm weather, July may be the happiest of months. This Florida gal in particular appreciates the summer slow-down and sunny bliss of this seventh month of the year.
July also happens to be the month when my family sets out on our annual Alaskan fishing trek. I’ve made the pilgrimage seven times now, and each opportunity to venture out of the lower 48 has brought genuine awe of the grand wild splendor of our 49th state.
These annual family escapades have often served as a writing muse, so much so that the title of one of my books, Magic Fishing Panties, was inspired by our adventures.
Here’s a book excerpt. It’s one of my favorite life hacks for every woman who’s ever been on a fishing boat.
We gals possess one distinctive disadvantage out on the fishing boats. It’s the “head.” For the guys, their need to relieve themselves is accomplished by a quick pit stop over the bow of the boat. For the gals, well, our equipment doesn’t work that way. A woman’s use of the bathroom on a fishing boat is a time-consuming process. I use the term “bathroom” here with a bit of poetic license. Often, the facilities are nothing more than a bucket. You can take as many countermeasures as possible: limit the coffee consumption and definitely go at the lodge before you get on the boat. But, eventually, you gotta go.
Image provided courtesy of MorgueFile, https://morguefile.com/search/morguefile/1/bucket/pop
HOW TO PEE ON THE SEA
Step 1: The captain clears out the cabin for a little semblance of privacy.
Step 2: Layers of clothing (gloves, hat, scarf, rain slicker) are removed.
Step 3: The bibs must be unhooked, but—and this is important—you mustn’t remove them fully because this would entail also removing your boots.
Step 4: Shuffle over to the cubby area under the bow. You’re lucky if there is a cubby area.
Step 5: Back in, derriere first, drop the bib tops you’ve been holding up, unzip and drop your pants, followed by your underwear, and attempt to squat/land upon the toilet/bucket.
Step 6: Pull across the battered blue plastic sheet that is supposed to provide some modicum of cover.
Step 7: Pray the toilet paper is somewhere within reach.
Image provided courtesy of Pixabay – https://pixabay.com/en/toilet-roll-toilet-rolls-220415/
Step 8: Anchor your hands and feet against the sides of the cubby to steady yourself as the boat sways and rocks.
Step 9: Proceed with, well, you know.
Step 10: Attempt to rise, remaining in a somewhat stooped position in order to avoid bumping your head. (I did not forget about the use of the toilet paper; I’m trying to keep this classy.)
Step 11: While remaining hunched over, attempt to pull up your underwear and your pants in the cubby. Damn near impossible.
Step 12: Pull back the blue plastic sheet and while once again attempting to hold up your pants and bibs, turnaround, bend over, and pull the lever which evacuates the contents of bowl.
Step 13: Turn back around, continue to hold up your bibs, and shuffle back out into the main cabin.
Step 14: Refasten your pants and your bibs, put back on all your clothing—rain gear, hat, gloves, and scarf—and head back out to fishing.
Do you have a favorite life hack/rule(s) to live by?
Cheers – and FISH ON!
Kimba
PS: There’s one more week to enter for a chance to win a free copy of Crazy Southern Irish Gal Two-Book Bundle. No purchase necessary. Good Luck! https://giveaway.amazon.com/p/40e888ec8aed2282
Teresa Salhi says
July 10, 2016 at 11:58 amFunny stuff. My first and last….trip on a fishing boat was not a pretty site. I won’t go into details but just say I spent the entire trip in the bathroom and on the cot. UGH. Sounds like you have figured it all out and so much more…..
Sue Kearney says
July 1, 2016 at 10:42 pmYou made me laugh, and then sigh, as my autoimmune digestive disorder makes the idea of being on a boat — any boat! — freaks me out. Enjoy the seas for me.
Kimba says
July 2, 2016 at 9:59 amSue, I do love being in Alaska. The bucket, not so much.
Marquita Herald says
July 1, 2016 at 1:11 pmI love your book and this was a great reminder of just how really good it is. Looking forward to the stories you’ll be sharing after your return. Enjoy your trip and fishing Kimba!
Kimba says
July 2, 2016 at 10:01 amThx Marti – will def check in with you when I’m back in the lower 48.
jan says
July 13, 2015 at 3:25 pmOh golly – I would have nightmares for months prior to the trip! I suppose the magic fishing panties were developed for bucket peeing??? Still giggling ; )
Kimba says
July 14, 2015 at 11:08 amThe magic fishing panties do come in handy! 🙂
Beth says
July 12, 2015 at 2:57 pmI knew there was a reason I didn’t like to fish 🙂 Thanks for sharing via Women of Midlife.
Kimba says
July 12, 2015 at 4:41 pmOh, it’s worth it – especially when we get to bring home wild salmon every year!
1010ParkPlace says
July 11, 2015 at 10:02 amI remember now! There’s also lots of lurching forward, losing your balance and peeing all over yourself. Brenda
Kimba says
July 12, 2015 at 4:42 pmLOL – yes there is: sounds like you’ve been there, done that!
Janie Emaus says
July 11, 2015 at 12:36 amAnd I thought peeing on my parents’ sailboat was hard!
CAROL CASSARA says
July 11, 2015 at 12:10 amGeesh….so complicated! And dangerous! And funny!
Lois Alter Mark says
July 10, 2015 at 9:00 pmOh, this is too funny! I have to pee wherever I am so it’s good to now know how to do it at sea in the unlikely chance I find myself on a fishing boat.
Kim Dalferes says
July 10, 2015 at 9:56 pmHappy to help out Lois, maybe I can make a cheat sheet for all my gal pals!
Sue Kearney (@MagnoliasWest) says
July 10, 2015 at 2:14 pmWhat I learned when I was crewing on sailboats in St. Croix (helps if it’s warm weather, helps if you’re with friends): Step over the rail, hold on to the rail, put your ass out over the water, and pee. Good to do in calm seas, better even at anchor.
Otherwise, in the Caribbean, jump in and pee!
Kim Dalferes says
July 10, 2015 at 2:19 pmGrowing up in Florida, the ocean was our latrine. However, up in Alaska, jumping in can get ya killed. And considering all the shark attacks this summer, I might rethink the whole ocean as giant port-a-potty option.
Hubs says
July 10, 2015 at 12:58 pmTake your time, I’ll watch your fishing rod ! 🙂
Kim Dalferes says
July 10, 2015 at 2:20 pmOh no, I’ve seen you steal a few too many catches dear one!
Roz Warren says
July 10, 2015 at 12:10 pmLOVE that title. by the way.
Kim Dalferes says
July 10, 2015 at 2:20 pmThx Roz!
Roz Warren says
July 10, 2015 at 12:08 pmi ALWAYS pray that the toilet paper is within reach.
Kim Dalferes says
July 10, 2015 at 2:20 pmKind of good overall life rule, don’t ya think? 🙂
Mithra Ballesteros says
July 10, 2015 at 11:21 amWe were all right there with you, suffering and muttering. I always say that there’s a Nobel prize waiting for the gal who invents an easy, sanitary, disposable female catheter.
Kim Dalferes says
July 10, 2015 at 2:23 pmOh, absolutely. Those Nobel folks need to be on the look out for your suggestion plus a mammogram machine that fits a woman’s body, a plaid skirt that doesn’t make your ass seem to be the size of Montana, and coffee that doesn’t give you coffee breath.
Kathleen O'Keefe-Kanavos says
July 10, 2015 at 10:27 amToo funny!! BUT, I understand completely! When we spend the day on the boat I take and use a JAR. Great blog.
Kim Dalferes says
July 10, 2015 at 11:05 amThx Kathleen. A jar, hmmm… I have a difficult enough time just using a bucket!!
Marquita Herald says
July 10, 2015 at 9:53 amSo funny, and a familiar scenario for those of us who live on an Island because we spend a lot of time on the ocean. Of course the part about having to deal with all the extra layers doesn’t apply, but the wave action, backing in and sticking one’s elemu (butt cheeks Hawaiian style) out far enough in the hopes of avoiding a splash or dribble. Yep, all too familiar. Seriously looking forward to reading your new book Kimba!
Kim Dalferes says
July 10, 2015 at 11:12 amLMAO, “elemu” is such an elegant term for butt cheeks – I’m gonna use that term, I promise!!
Cathy Sikorski says
July 10, 2015 at 9:49 amOh my goodness…and I limit coffee when I’m just driving to NYC for 2 hours! This is hilarious and makes me think fishing might not be for me. Congrats on the book, it looks great!
Kim Dalferes says
July 10, 2015 at 11:19 amThx Cathy. Hey, do you have to deal with a Hubs who doesn’t believe in pee breaks while driving – gotta get there in record time! I’ve damn near had to jump out of a moving car to get the point across that we need to stop!
Dr. Margaret Rutherford says
July 10, 2015 at 9:14 amThis is hilarious Kim. Almost two years ago now, I traveled to China and had to practice various and sundry squatting techniques before my trip… since they don’t have Western toilets in many places… brought that all back when I read your post!
Kim Dalferes says
July 10, 2015 at 11:21 amOh, the port-a-potty squat! We have a whole set of squat exercises in my gym class dedicated to perfecting the squat over the pot technique.