The month of July brings many happy occasions: Independence Day (aka July 4th, Kimba waves her flag joyously), National Ice Cream Month (cuz ya gotta have a whole month for this!), Pecan Pie Day (July 12th), National Nude Day (July 14th) and a personal favorite, Tell An Old Joke Day (July 27th). Offering blue skies and warm weather, July may be the happiest of months. This Florida gal in particular appreciates the summer slow-down and sunny bliss of this seventh month of the year.
July also happens to be the month when my family sets out on our annual Alaskan fishing trek. I’ve made the pilgrimage seven times now, and each opportunity to venture out of the lower 48 has brought genuine awe of the grand wild splendor of our 49th state.
These annual family escapades have often served as a writing muse, so much so that the title of one of my books, Magic Fishing Panties, was inspired by our adventures.
Here’s a book excerpt. It’s one of my favorite life hacks for every woman who’s ever been on a fishing boat.
We gals possess one distinctive disadvantage out on the fishing boats. It’s the “head.” For the guys, their need to relieve themselves is accomplished by a quick pit stop over the bow of the boat. For the gals, well, our equipment doesn’t work that way. A woman’s use of the bathroom on a fishing boat is a time-consuming process. I use the term “bathroom” here with a bit of poetic license. Often, the facilities are nothing more than a bucket. You can take as many countermeasures as possible: limit the coffee consumption and definitely go at the lodge before you get on the boat. But, eventually, you gotta go.
Image provided courtesy of MorgueFile, https://morguefile.com/search/morguefile/1/bucket/pop
HOW TO PEE ON THE SEA
Step 1: The captain clears out the cabin for a little semblance of privacy.
Step 2: Layers of clothing (gloves, hat, scarf, rain slicker) are removed.
Step 3: The bibs must be unhooked, but—and this is important—you mustn’t remove them fully because this would entail also removing your boots.
Step 4: Shuffle over to the cubby area under the bow. You’re lucky if there is a cubby area.
Step 5: Back in, derriere first, drop the bib tops you’ve been holding up, unzip and drop your pants, followed by your underwear, and attempt to squat/land upon the toilet/bucket.
Step 6: Pull across the battered blue plastic sheet that is supposed to provide some modicum of cover.
Step 7: Pray the toilet paper is somewhere within reach.
Image provided courtesy of Pixabay – https://pixabay.com/en/toilet-roll-toilet-rolls-220415/
Step 8: Anchor your hands and feet against the sides of the cubby to steady yourself as the boat sways and rocks.
Step 9: Proceed with, well, you know.
Step 10: Attempt to rise, remaining in a somewhat stooped position in order to avoid bumping your head. (I did not forget about the use of the toilet paper; I’m trying to keep this classy.)
Step 11: While remaining hunched over, attempt to pull up your underwear and your pants in the cubby. Damn near impossible.
Step 12: Pull back the blue plastic sheet and while once again attempting to hold up your pants and bibs, turnaround, bend over, and pull the lever which evacuates the contents of bowl.
Step 13: Turn back around, continue to hold up your bibs, and shuffle back out into the main cabin.
Step 14: Refasten your pants and your bibs, put back on all your clothing—rain gear, hat, gloves, and scarf—and head back out to fishing.
Do you have a favorite life hack/rule(s) to live by?
Cheers – and FISH ON!
PS: There’s one more week to enter for a chance to win a free copy of Crazy Southern Irish Gal Two-Book Bundle. No purchase necessary. Good Luck! https://giveaway.amazon.com/p/40e888ec8aed2282