Magic Fishing Panties

When you take off your bra, is it as if an airbag has deployed? Have you taken to blaming the little people for stealing all the things you can’t find, like the damn Chico’s gift card you are 100% sure you left on the dresser? Have you more than once started a sentence with the phrase “Back when I was in school…”? If you answered yes to any of these questions, welcome to the middle-aged cheap seats.

Magic Fishing Panties is the follow-up to Dalferes’ debut book I Was in Love With a Short Man Once. This collection of humorous tales offers new perspective from the self-proclaimed crazy Southern Irish gal and recent inductee into “Club 50.” Rather than wallow in the self-pity often induced by sagging jaw lines, empty nests, and menopause, the author offers colorful depictions of life in the middle. You will find yourself contemplating:

• How would you react to being in public during an earthquake? Oh, and you’re naked.
• The wedding starts in five minutes and your best friend needs to pump her breast milk, but all the bathrooms are occupied. Where should she go to quickly resolve her situation?
• You are depressed and alone on your 39^th birthday. What do you do? Hint: tattoo anyone?

You’ll come to know Kimba as a true gal pal, someone who will gladly lend you her size 11 black boots, favorite red coat, and anything else you might need to rule the world – with the exception of her magic fishing panties. Because letting you borrow those would be a little weird, don’t ya think?

“In the vein of Erma Bombeck, Dalferes presents her second collection of essays for gals of a ‘certain age.’ Like I Was In Love With a Short Man Once, gal readers get to stand in front of funhouse mirrors and laugh at the foibles of joining ‘Club 50.’ One word of warning: Gals, be sure you use the bathroom before you settle in to read. You know what I mean. *wink wink*”

—Betsy Ashton, Author of the Mad Max series, Mad Max Unintended Consequences and Uncharted Territory

“Funny, talented, and so relatable, Kimba Dalferes’ new book is a must-read! She shares her hilarious adventures in a way that makes you wish you were there. The tattoo story is hysterical, and has one of my favorite lines, ‘What’s needed here is a spectacularly immature act.’ I snort-laughed my wine out of my nose, but it was the most fun I’d had all day. GET THIS BOOK and settle in for an afternoon of unbridled belly laughs!”

—Vikki Claflin, Author, Shake Rattle & Roll With It: Living & Laughing with Parkinson’s

“You’re gonna wanna get into these pants – pronto! Magic Fishing Panties is Kim Dalferes at her finest: unapologetically funny and fresh, with stories so real you’ll wish they happened to you, then sigh with relief that they didn’t. Kim lives life laughing out loud with no regrets and oftentimes naked, surrounded by life-long friends who know how to use a kitty litter box. We are so very lucky she took the time to write it all down so we can go along for the ride, laughing all the way.”

—Kathryn Mayer, Writer. Thinker. Doer. kathrynmayer.com

“Magic Fishing Panties is a candid and hilarious collection of stories about life in the middle years. Kimberly Dalferes is truly remarkable for her ability to take even the most mundane human moments and turn them into life lessons that are both funny and captivating in the way they remind us of the connectedness that we all share.”

—Marquita Herald, Author, The Resilient Living Collection

“Take this book, a plate of cookies, and your favorite beverage to your easy chair and prepare to giggle and guffaw. Kim Dalferes, an award-winning writer of humorous short stories, is a superhero for those of us who need a jovial jester to ease our journey as we tumble down the back side of middle-age. Her costume usually includes fuzzy bunny slippers, an industrial-strength bra, and magic fishing panties. Her secret weapon to combat all the world’s evil: Laugh until your gut hurts. Read her essays and laugh along with the rest of us.”

—Elaine Ambrose, Author, Midlife Cabernet

“Getting older is made easier if you have a sense of humor. If you don’t have one, you can borrow Kim Dalferes’ who shares her adventures of becoming a woman of a certain age. You’ll giggle, laugh and possibly snort out loud. Women at midlife will feel especially connected to the feelings and experiences Kim shares.”

—Leslie Truex, Author, Speaker and Lifestyle Design Enthusiast, leslietruex.com

“Kimba Dalferes looks at midlife with a sense of humor and honesty. Covering everything from menopause to the empty nest on her blog, The Middle-Aged Cheap Seats, her new book Magic Fishing Panties will keep you laughing and nodding along with her as she explores the other side of fifty with her witty and wry voice.”

—Sharon Greenthal, Founder, Midlife Boulevard, midlifeboulevard.com

“Kim Dalferes has done it again with another uproariously funny collection of tales chronicling the misadventures of her madcap life. She has mastered the art of storytelling by putting her unique spin on midlife mishaps guaranteed to tickle the funny bone. From tattoo parlors to gal pal confessions, this feisty book has it all and should be shared with your best friend. Magic Fishing Panties is witty, heartwarming and utterly addictive.”

—Marcia Kester Doyle, Author, Who Stole My Spandex?

We gals possess one distinctive disadvantage out on the fishing boats. It’s the “head.” For the guys, their need to relieve themselves is accomplished by a quick pit stop over the bow of the boat. For the gals, well, our equipment doesn’t work that way. A woman’s use of the bathroom on a fishing boat is a time-consuming process. I use the term “bathroom” here with a bit of poetic license. Often, the facilities are nothing more than a bucket. You can take as many countermeasures as possible: limit the coffee consumption and definitely go at the lodge before you get on the boat. But, eventually, you gotta go.

HOW TO PEE ON THE SEA

Step 1: The captain clears out the cabin for a little semblance of privacy.

Step 2: Layers of clothing (gloves, hat, scarf, rain slicker) are removed.

Step 3: The bibs must be unhooked, but—and this is important—you mustn’t remove them fully because this would entail also removing your boots.

Step 4: Shuffle over to the cubby area under the bow. You’re lucky if there is a cubby area.

Step 5: Back in, derriere first, drop the bib tops you’ve been holding up, unzip and drop your pants, followed by your underwear, and attempt to squat/land upon the toilet/bucket.

Step 6: Pull across the battered blue plastic sheet that is supposed to provide some modicum of cover.

Step 7: Pray the toilet paper is somewhere within reach.

Step 8: Anchor your hands and feet against the sides of the cubby to steady yourself as the boat sways and rocks.

Step 9: Proceed with, well, you know.

Step 10: Attempt to rise, remaining in a somewhat stooped position in order to avoid bumping your head. (I did not forget about the use of the toilet paper; I’m trying to keep this classy.)

Step 11: While remaining hunched over, attempt to pull up your underwear and your pants in the cubby. Damn near impossible.

Step 12: Pull back the blue plastic sheet and while once again attempting to hold up your pants and bibs, turnaround, bend over, and pull the lever which evacuates the contents of bowl.

Step 13: Turn back around, continue to hold up your bibs, and shuffle back out into the main cabin.

Step 14: Refasten your pants and your bibs, put back on all your clothing—rain gear, hat, gloves, and scarf—and head back out to fishing.

What could possibly go wrong?